All true. At the same time, you don't want to lose the ability to be transported (indeed unwillingly but also wonderfully) by beautiful music or a great scene in a fiction or by love. The ability to be overwhelmed emotionally has both Yin and Yang and a strong connection to art.
This is a really interesting reflection. I was anticipating responses about the value of negative emotions, but I didn't anticipate the defense of strong, positive emotions -- and I completely agree. I suppose everything comes back to a balancing act.
My main response would be that we are much more likely to err on the negative side than the positive side (we're biased toward the ways things can go wrong, rather than the ways they go right), which means that a certain degree of unflappability will help us more often than it will hurt us. That said, I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on the experience of being carried away by music or fiction or love.
I’m sure you’re right about our biases. Even with strong positive emotions, you have to retain some sense of self. Being so head-over-heels about someone (or something) that you overlook all flaws rarely has a happy outcome.
Another interesting article. It made me think of Winnie the Pooh and his signature phrase "Oh bother" whenever he was dealing with life's many inconveniences. He always seems pretty unflappable.
How would you relate unflappability to psychological anti-fragility and resilience? They all seem to circle something shared, though anti-fragility may be more growth-oriented, I guess.
(Also, thank you for pointing out how stoicism is often misrepresented in the 'stoic industrial complex' these days.)
Good callout. I agree those are both more growth-focused and stem from seeking out challenges that will make us stronger (or at least recovering from challenges more effectively), rather than simply maintaining inner stability in the face of frustration. Here I focused more on our trivial inconveniences and frustrations, though perhaps I did start out with a wider scope.
I'd love to explore both more in a future article because it's all so interesting -- the many ways we face the world!
Hi Rose!! Discovered you on Mika's Find Your Tribe and became engrossed in your writing! Happy to find you and see more. I have written Memoirs and experienced many things similarly to you, in particular my reaction to "the awareness that I've let someone down."
I live on a sailboat and write SPARRING WITH MOTHER NATURE, the unique challenges and intimacies of life on the water. I look forward to your next work.
I echo the comments that thank you for the content—but I’m really here to praise your voiceover. It’s an art form, my friend, and your readout was really well done.
Inconvenience tolerance may increase our subjective well-being. However, inconvenience intolerance may exist for a good reason: to strive to change unpropitious circumstances instead of accepting them. Meditation and a stoic mindset may improve well-being, but we may not be designed to follow this approach without second thoughts.
You bring up a good point -- one that I only briefly discussed in a footnote. Healthy, balanced emotion that signals when something is wrong or when our circumstances ought to change is vital. Emotion plays a central role in our ability to navigate the world safely, socially, and efficiently. But I think it can be easy to be led astray by emotion, to identify too deeply with it, and to struggle to control our temper, etc. I believe It's in these moments that a more unflappable personality can be valuable. (I'd love to write more on the function and value of emotion, though. You've touched on an interesting evolutionary legacy.) Thank you for reading!
Perhaps one reason to follow the path you suggest is the greater number and larger magnitude of stimuli in modern life. Learning not to chase everything (e.g., likes on social media) may be reasonable if our frustration tends to be overly triggered.
Hi Rose, nice article. This seems like an important matter to straighten out so that one might deal with life more effectively. One simple thing I like to tell myself here is that I should try to maintain a big picture perspective. What matters in the end? Can I see the forest rather than just the individual trees? Unfortunately this can sometimes be difficult.
I also like to reduce things back to my conception of what we are. This is to say, instantaneous selves that seek to feel as good as we can each moment. I consider us connected with past selves through the feelings that our memories give us presently. I also consider us connected with potential future selves through our hopes (which feel good) and our worries (which feel bad). The end goal is to feel as good as we can for as long as we can. This isn’t a theory that the field of psychology agrees with yet, though it sure helps me. Thus I don’t take the offenses of others against me quite as personally. If we’re all just self interested products of our circumstances, it makes sense that we’d be attacked from time to time by people with perceived conflicting interests. Our quest is to effectively protect ourselves.
I think that's a very inspirational outlook. A lot of negative emotion seems to stem from a lack of awareness, empathy, or appreciation for the larger human condition. I really like the way you've put it: "The end goal is to feel as good as we can for as long as we can." A small dose of this kind of awareness goes a long way.
Thanks for your kindness Rose. I can tell that you’re a deep one. But “inspirational”? I don’t think you’ll say that about my ideas once you get to know me. I’m more of a radical. For example, it seems to me that the field of psychology remains as soft as it does, largely because it’s been unable to accept that happiness constitutes the value of existing.
All true. At the same time, you don't want to lose the ability to be transported (indeed unwillingly but also wonderfully) by beautiful music or a great scene in a fiction or by love. The ability to be overwhelmed emotionally has both Yin and Yang and a strong connection to art.
This is a really interesting reflection. I was anticipating responses about the value of negative emotions, but I didn't anticipate the defense of strong, positive emotions -- and I completely agree. I suppose everything comes back to a balancing act.
My main response would be that we are much more likely to err on the negative side than the positive side (we're biased toward the ways things can go wrong, rather than the ways they go right), which means that a certain degree of unflappability will help us more often than it will hurt us. That said, I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on the experience of being carried away by music or fiction or love.
I’m sure you’re right about our biases. Even with strong positive emotions, you have to retain some sense of self. Being so head-over-heels about someone (or something) that you overlook all flaws rarely has a happy outcome.
Thanks for this, I am currently feeling quite flapped
Never fun feeling flapped. Thanks for reading!
Another interesting article. It made me think of Winnie the Pooh and his signature phrase "Oh bother" whenever he was dealing with life's many inconveniences. He always seems pretty unflappable.
Yes, especially in contrast to Eeyore...
Another great piece, Rose.
How would you relate unflappability to psychological anti-fragility and resilience? They all seem to circle something shared, though anti-fragility may be more growth-oriented, I guess.
(Also, thank you for pointing out how stoicism is often misrepresented in the 'stoic industrial complex' these days.)
Good callout. I agree those are both more growth-focused and stem from seeking out challenges that will make us stronger (or at least recovering from challenges more effectively), rather than simply maintaining inner stability in the face of frustration. Here I focused more on our trivial inconveniences and frustrations, though perhaps I did start out with a wider scope.
I'd love to explore both more in a future article because it's all so interesting -- the many ways we face the world!
I always liked that word - unflappable.
Hi Rose!! Discovered you on Mika's Find Your Tribe and became engrossed in your writing! Happy to find you and see more. I have written Memoirs and experienced many things similarly to you, in particular my reaction to "the awareness that I've let someone down."
I live on a sailboat and write SPARRING WITH MOTHER NATURE, the unique challenges and intimacies of life on the water. I look forward to your next work.
J
I’m so glad to hear my work resonated with you. Life on a sailboat must be so fascinating and challenging — I’m excited to read more about it 🤍
I echo the comments that thank you for the content—but I’m really here to praise your voiceover. It’s an art form, my friend, and your readout was really well done.
Thank you so much! I get a lot of joy from reading these aloud, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Much more to come.
Inconvenience tolerance may increase our subjective well-being. However, inconvenience intolerance may exist for a good reason: to strive to change unpropitious circumstances instead of accepting them. Meditation and a stoic mindset may improve well-being, but we may not be designed to follow this approach without second thoughts.
You bring up a good point -- one that I only briefly discussed in a footnote. Healthy, balanced emotion that signals when something is wrong or when our circumstances ought to change is vital. Emotion plays a central role in our ability to navigate the world safely, socially, and efficiently. But I think it can be easy to be led astray by emotion, to identify too deeply with it, and to struggle to control our temper, etc. I believe It's in these moments that a more unflappable personality can be valuable. (I'd love to write more on the function and value of emotion, though. You've touched on an interesting evolutionary legacy.) Thank you for reading!
Perhaps one reason to follow the path you suggest is the greater number and larger magnitude of stimuli in modern life. Learning not to chase everything (e.g., likes on social media) may be reasonable if our frustration tends to be overly triggered.
Regarding the underlying principles of our psychology that lead us to always want more (and not just accept what we have), I wrote this: https://www.optimallyirrational.com/p/if-you-can-you-must-why-we-set-ever
I appreciate this, Rose. I like the thought of striving for unflappability!
Thank you, Cherie. I hope we can all cultivate a bit more of it.
Hi Rose, nice article. This seems like an important matter to straighten out so that one might deal with life more effectively. One simple thing I like to tell myself here is that I should try to maintain a big picture perspective. What matters in the end? Can I see the forest rather than just the individual trees? Unfortunately this can sometimes be difficult.
I also like to reduce things back to my conception of what we are. This is to say, instantaneous selves that seek to feel as good as we can each moment. I consider us connected with past selves through the feelings that our memories give us presently. I also consider us connected with potential future selves through our hopes (which feel good) and our worries (which feel bad). The end goal is to feel as good as we can for as long as we can. This isn’t a theory that the field of psychology agrees with yet, though it sure helps me. Thus I don’t take the offenses of others against me quite as personally. If we’re all just self interested products of our circumstances, it makes sense that we’d be attacked from time to time by people with perceived conflicting interests. Our quest is to effectively protect ourselves.
I think that's a very inspirational outlook. A lot of negative emotion seems to stem from a lack of awareness, empathy, or appreciation for the larger human condition. I really like the way you've put it: "The end goal is to feel as good as we can for as long as we can." A small dose of this kind of awareness goes a long way.
Thank you for reading!
Thanks for your kindness Rose. I can tell that you’re a deep one. But “inspirational”? I don’t think you’ll say that about my ideas once you get to know me. I’m more of a radical. For example, it seems to me that the field of psychology remains as soft as it does, largely because it’s been unable to accept that happiness constitutes the value of existing.
I look forward to reading more from you!