Wow this piece inspired so many insights! You made me think of a couple of things.
1) When people have strong self-bias in conflict, they seem to exemplify the childlike stage of cognitive development in the theory of mind. In bad cases, they may literally act like two-year-olds.
2) You mentioned the importance of mindset. I like the framework of narrative. When one has the narrative of being the sole protagonist and anyone who hinders their goals are automatically antagonists, that speaks to why the self-bias is so strong. Cognitive behavioral therapy would focus on these thought patterns.
3) I also think, while many know they ought to take a larger perspective and have more empathy and understanding, when the rubber hits the road, they become unwilling to do so. A likely reason is that they fall back on the reptilian survival mode (enforced by the protagonist/antagonist narrative). Constructive conflict management is almost impossible without both parties in the ventral vagal state.
I know you wrote that youre a conflict adverse person but I think the best way to get to real social harmony is to face the conflict head on. Communicate and understand to work through or prevent resentment from conflict. People have their own thoughts and feelings -- it is best to communicate and understand, not leave it to the imagination or make assumptions. Conflict is such a part of the human condition -- we might as well embrace that and make the best of it. My wife and i would never have the relationship we have today, if we never faced previously unknown and long running resentments that were based on pure assumption. And I am so thankful that we did that!
When you mention those who will triumph in our progressively conflicted world, it makes me wonder about survival of the fittest, and passing down these traits until from some point in the future, with the world full of people with these skills, society will become much more peaceful given more balanced negotiation. I would like to assume that conflict has a ceiling, and that people will be able to rise to this level with our elevated levels of conflict resolution skills.
By a similar token, I believe conflict to be subjective; if none were conflicted by certain circumstances due to a society full of people who can navigate these circumstances better, then it wouldn’t be considered ‘conflict’ in the first place, but rather just neutral, everyday interaction.
It is said that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Maybe what is meant- or should be meant- is that the conflict-immune shall inherit the Earth.
Thanks for your thought-provoking post!
As a parent who is relatively good at navigating conflict, yet preaches, promotes, welcomes, and encourages constant self-growth in myself and others, I have witnessed my almost 8-year old daughter budding in her soft skills, to the point where she will almost certainly be much better than me at conflict resolution. What I try to do, she does naturally. So encouraging this growth seems to me to be a solid step in supercharging the ascension into a future such as the one your post has brought to my imagination.
I’m so glad the article resonated with you. I like your optimism about the future of conflict — it sounds like your daughter will be a beacon of that bright future. Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
First, I wanted to compliment you on the narration. Great job! No background noise, you spoke clearly and emotively.
Being autistic and gifted gave me a pretty vicious take on my 'obstacles' when I was younger. I'd assign the usual faulty motivations.
Fortunately, being gifted also helped me see it for the problem it was, and I started to work a lot on putting myself in others' shoes and adopting a better mindset. It took a lot of work, and I still sometimes slip out of the foreign footwear — especially if I'm involved and surprised by the conflict. And so, now I'm working on the other soft skills too.
These days, even without mastering the other soft skills, I often find myself being the reasonable one, the one suggesting (hopefully) reasonable-sounding compromises, whether I'm involved in conflict or bystander trying to help resolve it. And when I do get 'flapped,' I can usually drag myself out of it after a little time, especially if we take a breather.
All of which is to say, I like the systems-based view you discussed here. Too often we want a one-skill solution. We don't have time to learn all the soft skills. But, as I discovered, starting with just a couple helps, and you can add in the others. You don't have to learn them all at once! (But do learn them all!)
I'm 57 and was diagnosed with autism less than a year ago. So, I had to teach myself a lot. I mask very well, which can be helpful, but (as you probably know) causes some serious problems too. I have a lot of unlearning to do too!
I'm really enjoying your posts. Thank you for writing!
Thanks for the reminder that the way to peace through/after conflict has a lot to do with our capacity for empathy and equality. Your adept analysis reminded me of a quote by Thomas Merton (excuse the exclusive language please):
“Do not be too quick to assume that your enemy is a savage just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy because he thinks you are a savage. Or perhaps he is afraid of you because he feels you are afraid of him. And perhaps if he believed you were capable of loving him he would no longer be your enemy."
Really enjoyed reading this Rose, it struck me as being very nuanced, balanced and thorough. I particularly resonated with this bit:
“the ones who come at conflict with a level-headed mantra of this is surmountable, there is a promising way out of this.”
I wonder how many people approach conflicts with the idea of them being surmountable, that it is something to overcome, rather than dismiss? Of course this is more likely in personal family/friend relationships, but I wonder how this can be encouraged in the political leadership realm where such modelling of behaviour would bear the biggest fruits.
The importance of mindset is emphasized in the context of psychedelics. It has a profound effect on the experience.
Outstanding point about viewing conflict as NOT zero-sum. I think that's right on the money.
Politics is (or at least was) often called "the art of compromise" in which no one was happy, but all were satisfied. But we don't live in that political world anymore.
Interesting parallels. Politics is a minefield for conflict and offers some of the best insight into what goes wrong when conflict prevails too much of the time. Thanks for reading!
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad the article resonated so much — and that you appreciated the voiceover. I agree that there ought to be a lot of room for compassion in conflict resolution and expect we’ll need even more of it in the future. Thanks for reading/listening!
Wow this piece inspired so many insights! You made me think of a couple of things.
1) When people have strong self-bias in conflict, they seem to exemplify the childlike stage of cognitive development in the theory of mind. In bad cases, they may literally act like two-year-olds.
2) You mentioned the importance of mindset. I like the framework of narrative. When one has the narrative of being the sole protagonist and anyone who hinders their goals are automatically antagonists, that speaks to why the self-bias is so strong. Cognitive behavioral therapy would focus on these thought patterns.
3) I also think, while many know they ought to take a larger perspective and have more empathy and understanding, when the rubber hits the road, they become unwilling to do so. A likely reason is that they fall back on the reptilian survival mode (enforced by the protagonist/antagonist narrative). Constructive conflict management is almost impossible without both parties in the ventral vagal state.
Some really interesting thoughts here — particularly the idea of a powerful self-narrative. Thanks for reading!
I know you wrote that youre a conflict adverse person but I think the best way to get to real social harmony is to face the conflict head on. Communicate and understand to work through or prevent resentment from conflict. People have their own thoughts and feelings -- it is best to communicate and understand, not leave it to the imagination or make assumptions. Conflict is such a part of the human condition -- we might as well embrace that and make the best of it. My wife and i would never have the relationship we have today, if we never faced previously unknown and long running resentments that were based on pure assumption. And I am so thankful that we did that!
"Where others see a bottomless pit, you must have the cleverness and creativity to see a ladder feeding up to sunlight."
I love that!
Amazing work. I'm really looking forward to reading more from you! 😊🙌🏻
Thank you for the kind words! So glad to meet you here.
When you mention those who will triumph in our progressively conflicted world, it makes me wonder about survival of the fittest, and passing down these traits until from some point in the future, with the world full of people with these skills, society will become much more peaceful given more balanced negotiation. I would like to assume that conflict has a ceiling, and that people will be able to rise to this level with our elevated levels of conflict resolution skills.
By a similar token, I believe conflict to be subjective; if none were conflicted by certain circumstances due to a society full of people who can navigate these circumstances better, then it wouldn’t be considered ‘conflict’ in the first place, but rather just neutral, everyday interaction.
It is said that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Maybe what is meant- or should be meant- is that the conflict-immune shall inherit the Earth.
Thanks for your thought-provoking post!
As a parent who is relatively good at navigating conflict, yet preaches, promotes, welcomes, and encourages constant self-growth in myself and others, I have witnessed my almost 8-year old daughter budding in her soft skills, to the point where she will almost certainly be much better than me at conflict resolution. What I try to do, she does naturally. So encouraging this growth seems to me to be a solid step in supercharging the ascension into a future such as the one your post has brought to my imagination.
Anyways, thanks! Subscribed
I’m so glad the article resonated with you. I like your optimism about the future of conflict — it sounds like your daughter will be a beacon of that bright future. Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
First, I wanted to compliment you on the narration. Great job! No background noise, you spoke clearly and emotively.
Being autistic and gifted gave me a pretty vicious take on my 'obstacles' when I was younger. I'd assign the usual faulty motivations.
Fortunately, being gifted also helped me see it for the problem it was, and I started to work a lot on putting myself in others' shoes and adopting a better mindset. It took a lot of work, and I still sometimes slip out of the foreign footwear — especially if I'm involved and surprised by the conflict. And so, now I'm working on the other soft skills too.
These days, even without mastering the other soft skills, I often find myself being the reasonable one, the one suggesting (hopefully) reasonable-sounding compromises, whether I'm involved in conflict or bystander trying to help resolve it. And when I do get 'flapped,' I can usually drag myself out of it after a little time, especially if we take a breather.
All of which is to say, I like the systems-based view you discussed here. Too often we want a one-skill solution. We don't have time to learn all the soft skills. But, as I discovered, starting with just a couple helps, and you can add in the others. You don't have to learn them all at once! (But do learn them all!)
These skills are crucial assets in the modern world. Kudos for building on them. Thanks for listening!
I'm 57 and was diagnosed with autism less than a year ago. So, I had to teach myself a lot. I mask very well, which can be helpful, but (as you probably know) causes some serious problems too. I have a lot of unlearning to do too!
I'm really enjoying your posts. Thank you for writing!
Great article, and holy shit you can actually write in paragraphs🤪
I liked that you pointed out the factor of privilege driving conflict
Thank you! Yes, love a good paragraph still.
Thanks for the reminder that the way to peace through/after conflict has a lot to do with our capacity for empathy and equality. Your adept analysis reminded me of a quote by Thomas Merton (excuse the exclusive language please):
“Do not be too quick to assume that your enemy is a savage just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy because he thinks you are a savage. Or perhaps he is afraid of you because he feels you are afraid of him. And perhaps if he believed you were capable of loving him he would no longer be your enemy."
Really enjoyed reading this Rose, it struck me as being very nuanced, balanced and thorough. I particularly resonated with this bit:
“the ones who come at conflict with a level-headed mantra of this is surmountable, there is a promising way out of this.”
I wonder how many people approach conflicts with the idea of them being surmountable, that it is something to overcome, rather than dismiss? Of course this is more likely in personal family/friend relationships, but I wonder how this can be encouraged in the political leadership realm where such modelling of behaviour would bear the biggest fruits.
The importance of mindset is emphasized in the context of psychedelics. It has a profound effect on the experience.
Outstanding point about viewing conflict as NOT zero-sum. I think that's right on the money.
Politics is (or at least was) often called "the art of compromise" in which no one was happy, but all were satisfied. But we don't live in that political world anymore.
Interesting parallels. Politics is a minefield for conflict and offers some of the best insight into what goes wrong when conflict prevails too much of the time. Thanks for reading!
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad the article resonated so much — and that you appreciated the voiceover. I agree that there ought to be a lot of room for compassion in conflict resolution and expect we’ll need even more of it in the future. Thanks for reading/listening!