A brief defense of the ego

Is there more to that quality we can't stand?

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The ego’s been called an American thing, a masculine thing, a feminine thing, a young person thing, a people in power thing, an inconvenience, our greatest curse. It’s revered in some circles and despised by others. But what exactly is this little core of the self that spurs us into action and triggers our worst tantrums? How often should we listen to it — if we even have a choice?

The ego gets a bad rap — often well-deservedly. Most major religions condemn it in one form or another as the thing that pulls you away from God or your purpose or the fabric of the universe. It’s the source of many of our worst qualities: our greed, pride, envy, anger. Such a small word for such a big and ugly part of us.

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A little evolution of the ego

That little world is a holdover from Latin, one of those words that carries so much weight and history that it’s simpler to just keep using it than invent our own. And it just means I. Fairly innocuous, just the self behind your eyes that perceives and acts. Me, myself, and I.

Our understanding of the ego took on a different look after Sigmund Freud’s conception of the id, ego, and superego gripped the world in the early twentieth century. Translated from the German Ich, the ego was the part of us that balanced the demands of the id with the principles of the superego — it’s the I doing all that thinking, coordinating, justifying, etc.

The ego has since transformed into something much more pernicious and unwanted. It’s no longer just the self or its deeper Freudian incarnation — it’s now the mean, needy voice in your head that always wants more. It’s the worst part of someone’s personality.

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Living in the “egosystem”

For several years, I was fortunate enough to work in Dr. Jennifer Crocker’s Self and Social Motivation Lab. We covered a lot of ground there, but one of Dr. Crocker’s most fascinating projects was her distinction between the egosystem and the ecosystem.

Each of these is a system of motivation, activated by different cues and related to very different outcomes. According to Dr. Crocker, the egosystem is a place of self-consciousness and self-aggrandization — the place we’re coming from when we’re worried what that girl thinks of us, what our title at work should sound like, how to deflect the blame for something.

It’s an isolating and anxiety-ridden place, and it fuels many of our worst behaviors. But its counterpart, the ecosystem, is where we flourish. The ecosystem drives our connection with others, our care and compassion, our open-mindedness. It’s from this place that our kindest, most generous behaviors emerge.

Over the course of a lifetime (or even a day), we shift endlessly between these two motivational systems. Sometimes, we’re preoccupied with our image and will do anything to preserve it — but on other days, we’re able to take a breath and find our place with others again, to connect and forget about our ego for a little while.

Because otherwise, the ego will take over. We all know people who seem to be stuck in the egosystem. They’re obsessed with being the best, being right, being liked, being the richest, being the top-dog — and they want you to know it. It feels impossible to connect with them; they aren’t interested in connection because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

In these cases, we see precisely what makes the ego so dangerous: its hostile colonization of the mind. In the egosystem, you’re left with nothing but gnawing insecurities — there’s no room for anything else.

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The brief defense part

As noted in the title, I can’t categorically condemn the ego. It’s evolved with us to serve a purpose, to help us navigate complex systems and interactions with our identities intact. The ego is the part of me that takes ownership of my life and cares about how that life is run.

Much like we all know a handful of egocentric folks, we also know those who seem to lack a sufficient amount of ego. They don’t care what people think to the point that they’re equally unpleasant — perhaps lazy, brutally honest, disorganized, or distracted. Nothing ties them together as a person, and as a result, they can gum things up. They’re not concerned enough with their own behavior and presentation to take care of their responsibilities. A bit of ego would orient them again.

In this way, a healthy dose of ego keeps things humming. I remember coming across a Facebook post about an apartment complex’s tenant-run food pantry, which was a perpetual mess. People were outraged — someone ought to be taking better care of this space. But there was a vacuum; it’s a community-run resource at the mercy of an ambiguous and ever-evolving community. No one owns it; no one’s ego is at stake over the state of the pantry.

Many of the world’s most intractable problems fall victim to this same lapse in ownership. Whose job really is it to tackle poverty, war, mental illness? Whose ego is really at stake over any of those? Without ego and its powerful ability to whip us into shape, things fall through the cracks. No one really needs to care.

It’s the ego that holds our projects together and says yes, these are mine and they’re important. It keeps our focus on them; it greases the wheels of a functioning community. Carefully nurtured and balanced, the ego is the root of what makes us human.

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A reminder: If you enjoyed this article, it means so much and helps other people discover my work when you press the little heart at the top or bottom of this email/post. Thanks in advance.